It's Gonna Be Worth It

I have not been around much due to the morning/afternoon sickness and just being busy. I wasn't sick up until week 7,then it got bad and that was last week. I eat pretty good in the morning and at lunch,then for a short period I am blah and feel sick. Sometimes it last until I go to bed and sometimes it doesn't. I got to see my Nurse Midwife(she is in the hospital,so technically a Certified Nurse Midwife) on the 6th of November. She had Thyroid surgery not long ago and was only going to be in for 2 weeks and then out until the first of January. We corresponded through email and she saw me on a day she doesn't see patients. I think it's pretty cool I have that close of a relationship with her.

So we talked about the pregnancy and the birth. I did not know what to really expect as far as what she would suggest. There are 12 months between all the pregnancies. With Daniel I found out right around his 1st birthday I was pregnant and the same thing happened this time. When Aaron had turned 1 I was already 4 weeks. I never would have dreamed that would have happened either. We were not planning to have anymore so soon due to medical factors. I had 2 c-sections after laboring a good while with both boys. My uterus just wasn't in great shape and we wanted to wait at least 2 years. She asked first what I wanted and I was honest with her. I told her I had no clue what I wanted. We talked about it a little more and she told me what she would suggest. I trust her and value her opinion. She gave me the reasons and I really do know it is for the best. She suggested to schedule a c-section at 39 weeks. Though it is not what I want at all,I do think it would be wiser this time around. She said if there were 18 months between each birth she would suggest labor some,but she just doesn't want to risk anything. She helped me last time go for a VBAC and we really thought it was going to happen. I was very let down and very depressed about not getting the vaginal birth. It was like working to hard and it crashing on you. I still do not know why it could not just magically happen,but all I knew to do was trust God.

Like I said we were not planning anymore for awhile,well, obviously God had other plans for us. I know He knows what is best,but it didn't change the fact I was a little scared. I never wanted a period so bad. I went to the bathroom numerous time a day for like a week and just knew I would not be pregnant. It's not that we did not want more children,but it was the timing. We knew for about 2 weeks before telling our families and friends. We are excited! It just doesn't feel real. I can't believe I'll be a mother for 3. So after talking with Cindy and I consulted Tammy(the friend I used for my Doula,who is also a Midwife) I think we will just schedule a c-section. I really don't have a choice unless I want to fight for labor. I trust Cindy and I know she isn't just doing this to get me out of her way. She wants to be there with us during the c-section and afterwards to help me nurse. She is a wonderful woman and Nurse Midwife.

I have to be honest though. My heart is hurting. I long for the natural birth. I did both labors before without medication,but never got the vaginal birth. It's just something I am very passionate about. Sometimes my passions can really hurt me,if that makes sense. I am very determined and very strong willed when I think it is the only way or the right way. My NM isn't saying I can never have a vaginal birth,just that I should let more space be between the births. So I know it is possible,it would just be a lot of changes in my eating habits,more so than with the last pregnancy. I have so much to write,but just am not ready yet. I really need God to heal me inside,emotionally. I know it may sound silly to some of you,I thought so too when I would read about women not birthing how they wanted and being very upset. But your prayers would be appreciated. I know I am no less of a woman just because I have to have a c-section,but deep down you hear a lot of things from the enemy. You see these other women have 4 and 5 hour births with no problem and you labor for 42 hours with no avail. It really will scar you. I know on the other side I may know why God chose this path for me,but for now all I can do is praise Him in the storm. I know also I have SO much to look forward too. A sweet little baby. A newborn. Another child to rear by God's Word. I am so blessed,but I am deeply wounded. Yes, we'll have the c-section and I will bring that beautiful baby home,but when I'm all alone I will always wonder why this path God.

Thank you for your prayers and comments.